Dear Mr Tevez,

I write to you in light of your somewhat erratic behaviour over the last few months, culminating in your refusal to play against Bayern Munich. I’m concerned as to what this will do for your reputation, Carlos (may I call you Carlos?) not just as a footballer but also as a person.

I think it should be pointed out just how lucky you are, Carl. I mean, sure, you aren’t exactly David Beckham when it comes to looks, though I hear the mangled bulldog look is in for Autumn/Winter ’12. Anyway, you don’t not have looks but you are blessed with sublime skill on a football pitch, and you’re paid an absolutely ridiculous amount of money to do so.

Let’s say for arguments sake, you earn £200,000 per week. The national average annual salary is around £20,000-£25,000. So in just one week you earn more than many people will earn in ten years. Most people would kill to be in the position you’re in.

I know, you were raised in Argentina and it wasn’t nice. It was tough, you survived – battle scarred, and you made a huge success of yourself. Well done for that, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

In other professions, if you simply refuse to do your job then you’ll be sacked. You live safe in the knowledge that isn’t going to happen to you. And even if City did cancel your contract, well you will have gotten what you wanted and you can go on to pick up a huge wage packet elsewhere.

I understand you said it was a misunderstanding, which came about because you don’t understand English. So, after six years in England and three different clubs, you haven’t yet picked up ‘Oi, Carlos, you’re on!’? It’s as hard for me to believe that as it is for you to relate to the common football fan.

Previously you’ve stated your desire to leave the club. You want to be closer to your family, who can’t live in Manchester. It’s strange, because you were at Manchester United, wanted to stay and when they didn’t want you, you decided to sign for another club in…Manchester. Which you hate. Now, I’ve been to Manchester. It’s a rather nice city. It has a lot of good shops, bars and definitely more than the two restaurants you claim. I spent around five days there last year; didn’t eat at the same restaurant once. It even has a Hard Rock Café!

So, you want to be closer to home, but when the time comes to leave, are you really going to go back to Boca Juniors, who won’t be able to pay you the lavish wages to which you are accustomed? And, after this debacle, who is going to want you. Yes, you’ve really cocked it all up.

It’s a shame, C (make your own assumptions as to what that stands for) because you’re such a good player. It makes it all a lot worse, somehow. If you were useless no one would care. I am not a Man City fan, but I am a football fan, and what you did was a disgrace to the game.

I honestly hope you get your wish, because I don’t think anyone wants to see you grace our league again. So, to translate the words of Gollum into a language you’ll understand, because I know your pretend to struggle with ours: vete ahora y no volver nunca. And no, I am most certainly not calling you ‘my precious’.

Anyway, I look forward to reading your reply. Even if it will be in Spanish.

Yours sincerely,
James Hunt

 PS: Give my love to your family xx